


a taste of fantasy

by doyoubeproudandlovelots



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Domestic Fluff, Domestic!Ziam Challenge, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, OT5, OT5 Friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2015-11-24
Packaged: 2018-04-21 05:50:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4817477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doyoubeproudandlovelots/pseuds/doyoubeproudandlovelots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The realization startles him, because of all of his mates, Liam’s the one he’s closest too. He’s just- special. He doesn’t play favorites, not with these mates from back home, he would <em>never</em>, but Liam’s just always been a little different and special when it came to Zayn’s affections. He doesn’t hide it, either. Everyone knows that it’s just a little different and special, with them. It’s just- ineffable, alexithymia, he thinks, because he could never describe the things Liam makes him feel. Except that it’s really, really comfortable and cozy and nice, but-</p><p>-alternately-<br/>A friends to lovers AU where Zayn finally goes back to his hometown with his best mate Niall to reconcile with his three other best mates, but what he didn't expect was the butterflies in his stomach everytime his mate Liam looked at him. Featuring Louis and Harry as the angst ridden couple and Niall being overly concerned about the amount of cuss words his daughter starts using after spending time with his mates.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. we're speaking in bodies

**Author's Note:**

> Hey. This is my first fic ever, so. I'm a bit nervous. So if you like it, leave feedback, please? I also appreciate criticism as long as it's constructive. If you're just going to drop in to tell me it's shit, it's going to be quite useless. Tell me whAT'S shit and how I can improve. Hope you enjoy <3
> 
> Um. I don't own One Direction. This is purely a piece of fiction. :)
> 
> Edit: Okay, so, i didn't enjoy the formatting of the three chapters so i combined them all into THIS. Changed a few things, too. Sorry.
> 
> Here's a list of songs i recommend listening to while reading this as consolation, though.
> 
> 1\. Magic- Paperwhite  
> 2\. Settle Down- The 1975  
> 3\. Two Hearts- Paper Route  
> 4\. Good Intentions- Paper Route
> 
> Good songs, go with the theme, give them a listen if you can?
> 
> Thank you, and I apologize for rambling! Have a good one <3 xx

‘Come _on_ , Niall, come _on,_ Lil, hurry _up_!', Zayn yells, frustrated, at the two sleepyheads sauntering behind him, as he rests his bags on the floor and turns to glare at the clumsy Irishman trying to haul two large, burgundy suitcases behind, while nudging his sleepy daughter in front of him. He rolls his eyes at him, kneeling down to extract two juice boxes and hands them one each. ‘Honestly, you guys. I warned you on the flight over. I _told_ you to get some sleep.’

The two of them shoot him similar scowls, and honestly, what did Zayn expect? It’s not like the father- daughter duo ever listened to him, anyways.

‘Quit hurryin’ us, bro. M’sure your heart, soul and body can wait a few more minutes before meeting Liam.’ Niall says, smirking at him. Sleepily.  Smirking at him, sleepily, because that is something Niall Horan can do, apparently. Zayn glares at him. ‘It’s not _just_ Liam, it’s all of them, man. It’s been three years, ‘course I’m gonna be excited.’

‘ _I’m_ excited. _You’re_ impatient and gross. Right, Lil?’ His daughter grunts in reply (she’s definitely picked that up from Zayn, and Niall _definitely_ hates him for it) and yawns loudly.

Niall grins proudly at her and starts hauling his bags towards the terminal exit again. Zayn sighs and follows him, Lilly trailing behind them, clutching her Build-A-Bear in one hand and dragging a bright pink polka dot mini suitcase in the other.

After a few minutes of heavily scanning the crowd, Zayn spots a messily combed mass of curly hair and his grin widens instantly. He yells out to him, and is met immediately, with an armful of Harry, smelling distinctly of cat, bakery and chlorine. Harry’s arms and scent felt like home, and he felt tears spring up behind his closed eyelids. He clutches Harry tighter before retreating, his arms still wrapped around him. ‘Missed you, bro.  So fucking much.’

Harry was _actually_ crying, tears slipping down his cheeks, but his grin was wide, his eyes happy and warm, and so damn _homely_. He was in tight, black skinny jeans (he remembers Louis telling him how the sap never gets out of them with a fond smile and an eye roll) and his favorite flamingo shirt. His wide grin, curly, messy mass of hair, large arms wrapped around him, the scent of freshly baked scones and his staple perfume, and a little bit of _Louis_ clinging to him, reminded Zayn of that one tune, a constant ringing of ‘ _feels like home to me, feels like I’m all the way back where I came from’._

‘Missed you too, Z. So freaking much. Need to be able to cuddle your skinny arse. I don’t like this long distance stuff. Your face isn’t pretty enough to keep me satisfied through Skype, bro.’

He couldn’t help giggling, ruffling Harry’s hair and trying not to jump into his arms again. He’d never realized how much he’d missed them. He had Niall, and Lilly, and they were the only reason he was keeping sane without his other mates. Zayn was partially sure that one of the main reasons for Niall travelling with him to London, was because he knew Zayn would be terribly homesick without the four of them, away from this town he’d made his home. That’s just the kind of mates the five of them were.  Willing to make umpteen sacrifices for each other and each one had their own way of showing it. Speaking of- ‘Haz? Where’s Li and Lou?’

‘By the car. Dunno why, to be honest. I think they’re too scared of crying in public, or something. You know how they are.’ He grins at him, because _yes_. Yes, he does. He _definitely_ knows how they are. He starts to make a cheeky comment about it before-

‘Harry!’, and suddenly Harry is trying to keep upright while clutching at a tiny Irishman koala clinging to him and smothering his face with kisses. Harry is letting out strings of giggles and Niall keeps wriggling in his arms, desperate for this taste of _home_ the two of them had missed so much.

He feels a tug on his sleeve and startles a bit, before turning and noticing Lilly, with Niall’s wide blue eyes and her mother’s sleek dark hair and high cheekbones, nervously clutching at her blanket and shuffling behind Zayn. He glances over to his mates, still exchanging greetings and affection, before kneeling down next to Lilly,

‘What’s up, Lil? You remember Uncle Harry right? Spent three whole years with him, innit? You talk with him sometimes on Skype too, remember? He’s the idiot who enjoys all the green, leafy stuff you hate, sweetie.’

She nods. ‘I remember him.’

‘What’s the problem, then, love?’

She shrugs. ‘I feel shy.’ Red fills her cheeks up, making Zayn chuckle at how similar she is to her father. The two colour up _extremely_ quickly.

Zayn ruffles her hair and stands up. ‘With Harry, you won’t be feeling that for too long. Just relax, okay? Daddy’s here.’

She smiles instantly. ‘And so are you.’

‘I’m al-‘

‘Lilly!’ A loud, deep, slow and hearty voice makes its way towards them, gentle hands lifting her off the ground while dragging out the ‘y’ in her name. ‘I know how annoying it is when people say this, but, _my_ , have you _grown_!’ He gurgles against her throat, and then her stomach, and she’s a wriggling _mess_ of laughter and glee and he _knew_ this would happen eventually. People naturally flock around Harry, like pigeons fluttering around a scattering of seeds and grains.

Niall was watching the exchange fondly, and when his eyes met Zayn’s, wide grins and knowing looks were exchanged. They were halfway home, and they felt euphoric.  Nirvana spreading through his veins like the oxygen he hadn’t been able to breathe well without.

 

‘Let’s go home, yeah?’ Harry suggested, putting down the still giggling little menace (Harry refuses to believe that Lily’s capable of all the mischief in the tales Zayn and Niall recount to him over tea and Skype, but he’s definitely going to get a taste of it soon enough) and putting his hands on his waist- typical Harry stance, honestly. Zayn almost rolls his eyes, because he hasn’t changed _at all_ , but he’s eager to see whether Louis and Liam are the same, too, so he nods hastily and begins dragging his suitcase towards the exit.

The three of them walk leisurely behind him, talking over each other and chuckling and fonding so hard, and Zayn would usually want in, but for some reason, he wanted to be alone at the moment.

There was something bothering him, but he couldn’t figure out what. He’s been biting his lip, wiping down his clammy hands and fidgeting nonstop. In the harsh winter, adorning woolen clothes, he felt sweaty and sticky and _nervous_ , for some reason.  A sweat had broken out between his shoulder blades as they neared the parking lot, and Zayn needed to _stop_ feeling this way, because he was _home_ , goddamit. He was going to spend a long, _long_ time with his loved ones, and there was no reason to be nervous.

Except he is, and there’s no denying it, as his tongue darts out to lick his lips repeatedly.  He does some breathing exercises, and in the midst, starts thinking about how whenever he’d get like this, this sporadic nervousness would overcome him, Liam would rub circles on his neck, against his back, or gently on his wrist, and count his pulses along with him until Zayn had calmed down. He thought of coffee stained warm brown eyes and a shiver runs down his spine. That’s _it_ , though, isn’t it? He’s nervous about _Liam,_ and what _Liam_ is like and what _Liam_ is going to think of _him_.

The realization startles him, because of all of his mates, Liam’s the one he’s closest too. He’s just- special. He doesn’t play favorites, not with these mates from back home, he would _never_ , but Liam’s just always been a little different and special when it came to Zayn’s affections. He doesn’t hide it, either. Everyone knows that it’s just a little different and special, with them. It’s just- ineffable, alexithymia, he thinks,because he could never describe the things Liam makes him feel. Except that it’s really, really comfortable and cozy and _nice_ , and the last thing he wants to feel with Liam is _nervous_. Which is why he shakes himself mentally and physically, leading Harry and Lilly to stare at him, bemused and Niall to ask if he’s alright. He thinks maybe Niall gets it. A bit. He always blows it out of proportion though, makes it seem like Liam and Zayn harbor actual romantic feelings for each other, which is _bull_ shit, because they’re just best mates. Special mates. He shrugs his concern off, though, and keeps charging forward. He’s starting to get breathless, even though he’s barely making conversation and the three of them are somehow able to chat relentlessly and walk at a reasonable pace too. He has no time to marvel at this, though, because he looks up from the ground and-

‘Zayn! Niall! Lil Lil!’

And _Louis._ He’s running towards them, looking ready to jump into their arms, so Niall, Lilly and Zayn stop in their track, preparing to catch him before the idiot falls and cracks his skull wide open. As predicted, he jumps into (somehow) all three of their arms, and Zayn can’t help grinning because, yeah. He hasn’t changed. Not one bit. (Not mentally, but physically- he adorned jean three fourths, and a marvel t-shirt. It looks great on him, but it’s a little different than what Zayn was used to. He was used to bright red and mint green trousers and stripes and _suspenders_ and straightened dyed hair, not a quiff. But he looked marvellous and happy, so what more did Zayn need?)

They stumble around a bit, before Louis juts out, and envelopes Niall into a warm hug. There are no tears this time, because when you’re around Louis, there’s never tears. There’s only laughing and rolling of eyes (a _lot_ of it, from both sides) sometimes yelling and throwing things, but no crying. It’s almost a rule. Lou’s too empathetic to deal with tears, Zayn knows, and that’s why he pretends he can’t stand them.

He watches Louis ruffle Lilly’s hair and rub noses with her, before walking over to Zayn. There was no smile on his lips, even though his eyes were mirthful and happy and _dancing_. Zayn kept his face completely blank too, for two whole minutes, by which time Lily and Niall had gone to join Harry and possibly Liam. Liam, who-

He pushes all thoughts of Liam away as Louis finally breaks and clings to Zayn. He too, reeks a little of Harry and musky cologne, fruit and candy because Louis loves fruit candies, and of freshness and earthiness and comfort. Zayn loves him so much, his heart hurts. He runs a hand through his tactfully messy hair, earning a groan from Louis, and he can’t decide if it was out of pain or sexual. Louis slaps his arse, making Zayn yelp and shove him away, though he keeps his arms on his shoulders. ‘Prick. Didn’t miss you one bit, you know?’

Louis grins at him. ‘I know. Ditto, bro. Dread having you around all the time, too. Gonna be shit painful, pretending to enjoy your company again. I thought I was finally free when you left for London and your posh streets and diners, but I was wrong, apparently.’

Zayn slaps his arm. ‘You love my company, you tosser. Also, what the fuck are posh streets? They’re the exact same everywhere, you creep.’

‘Damn straight I do, man.’ Louis has a glint in his eye and his face has gone all soft, and Zayn has barely seen this look morph his features, because Louis is usually all smiles and mischievous grins, or mock looks of hatred and annoyance, and sometimes sympathetic, but this soft, loving look is something Zayn isn’t very used to. He remembers seeing it when Zayn stuck up for a 4rth year kid who was getting bullied for liking a colour that was supposedly feminine, and when Zayn spent a week at Louis’ place because his favourite neighborhood cat had died and nobody else understood but Zayn.  Maybe a few more times, and he’s definitely seen it a lot when Louis looks at Harry, but. It’s rare, is the thing. And Zayn doesn’t know how to feel, or what to do, so he just yanks Louis forward and hugs him again. They part with Louis pressing a kiss to his forehead, and walk towards the rest, catching up on life, and exchanging banter again.

Zayn feels light again, and that lasts for a while, before he realizes they’ve reached the old, ratty car the five of them have used since Louis finally got his license, for road trips and whatnot, and he remembers that he’s going to meet Liam properly, after three whole years, and- Shit.

 

 

 

There he is. Leaning against the car, smiling easily and playing with Lilly’s earlobe. He’s breathtaking, is the thing. Gorgeous tan covering his entire body, his hair is styled into a curly mohawk, his smile stretching his gorgeous, plump lips- okay, what? He mentally chides himself because who thinks of their best mate’s lips like that, that’s weird, right? The point being- Liam looks ethereal, especially with his skin glistening in the sun and his smile so genuine and bright, and it’s strange how it makes Zayn’s tummy do flip flops and somersaults.

Mentally jostling himself, Zayn walks up to Liam and waits for him to notice him. Which takes a few seconds, and soon Liam is laughing wildly, in that typical way of his, throwing his head back and eyes squinting unintentionally at something Lilly said, before noticing Zayn and his laughter halts midway-

Zayn feels a bit guilty for robbing him of that happiness, but then Liam’s grinning at him and looking at him in a way that makes Zayn shiver, literally, and stumble a bit. He’d missed him so much, he thinks, the _most_. His wide eyes are sincere and open and scream ‘I missed you so much, so _so_ much, and I’m so glad you’re in front of me-‘and _god_ Zayn needs a moment, but he doesn’t take it, instead stepping forward and crowding into Liam’s space. He doesn’t look like he minds though, (a little nervous, like Zayn, and that makes him a little happy) so he slowly rests his forehead against Liam’s and exhales. They’re both grinning now, and everything seems perfect. The radio in the car playing Paperwhite, (Zayn can make out the lines ‘ _you gave to me another chance to feel time freeze, another chance to keep moving, another chance to feel alive’_ and _shit_ , that seems fitting) and their mates giggling and playfully shoving at each other and a it’s a familiar street that he’s currently on, and everything feels perfect. ‘A _taste of fantasy_ ’ he can’t help but mumble, Liam giggling and breaking contact, _gently_ shoving Zayn behind. They don’t need to talk about how much they missed each other, that was sufficiently exchanged, through shy eyes and enamoured grins. So Liam tells him about this new deli on Zayn’s old street that sells this fantastic new cheese that he bets Zayn hasn’t tasted yet, and that claims he wants to take Zayn there tomorrow and he sounds a little nervous, like Zayn was going to refuse, and _how_? Zayn honestly wants to learn how to deny Liam things, to be honest. Because it’s practically impossible to, he swears. He simply nods though, and hugs Liam tight (he also wants to find a place he belongs more, than in these arms, but he chastises himself at that thought because, again that is not the kind of thing you’re supposed to associate with best mates. Zayn knows this. But he keeps forgetting this.)

 

*****

 

‘Technically, it was not stealing. At that point of time, I was sure I was going to return it.’ Louis finishes, a satisfied expression on his face, as if that statement made up for the fact that he stole a rake from his neighbour.

 

Four indignant snorts and a giggle from Lilly bring out a scowl from Louis, who flicks pieces of toast at all of them. ‘I’ll return it when I move out from this flat or die, whichever comes last.’

 

‘It’s whichever comes first, Louis, how can you-‘

 

‘Details, Zayn, are not important. And we’re done with discussing this. Forever.’

 

Zayn slides further down the couch and rests his head on Niall’s shoulder. He’s a bit jealous of Niall, because Liam’s leaning against his legs and his fingers are playing with Liam’s hair and he really wants to be touching Liam at all times. But he yelled at Harry for the same thing two days back when he had been hogging Liam in the kitchen for dinner prep and Zayn had missed him terribly for those forty five minutes and everyone had teased him relentlessly, leaving him and Liam a blushing mess, avoiding eye contact for a while, before going back to cuddling and chatting about all the latest marvel comics (he’s a little surprised at how much they know about each other- how he knew that Liam would hate the most recent X-Men comic, but love the Guardians of Knowhere update, and Liam knew that Zayn had loved Age Of Ultron even though practically everyone else had hated it.

 

He sighs happily, because the last week has probably been the best week in his life. The day they’d arrived, the six of them spent the day at Harry’s house, catching up on life, before having dinner at the one posh restaurant in town (Louis had insisted they go there, because, he said, he didn’t want Zayn and Niall getting too homesick for their posh restaurants in London, and that’s why, they must dine at the poshest place available). Zayn rolls his eyes at the memory because it’s been a week and Louis still hasn’t let go of the whole ‘posh London lifestyle’ thing. This morning, he tried to wake Zayn up with a posh English accent because he was sure Zayn was too used to his ‘posh art and literature mates’ in London waking him up. And he’s not sick of it yet, only because Louis is an idiot and he’d missed him so much. It’ll only take one more week though, and Zayn will go back to dreaming about throttling Louis in his sleep. That’s a happy thought, because Zayn feels weird not getting annoyed by every single moronic Louis thing.

 

The next two days, they spent at the cheap amusement park called DisneyPlace (staple tourist attraction of the town) that they used to visit together when they were kids. Lots of unhealthy eating (Niall had 7 boxes of candy floss, Zayn was a bit surprised that he didn’t go into a sugar coma ), lots of scary rides that made Zayn cling to Liam after, and lots of pictures had resulted in the next two days spent sleeping and recovering and Harry sending soup to everyone’s place. Zayn was staying with Harry, Niall and Lilly were staying with Louis (Louis has a bit of a mansion for a house, and Liam lived with his parents, hence the arrangements), until they could find decent, cheap flats for themselves.

 

That reminded Zayn of the decision he had to make. The impending - is he going to be in town only for the summer, or is it going to be more of a permanent arrangement? Niall was permanently moving back to town, had even enrolled Lilly at the local school, and had been looking for a pub where he could perform and DJ and put his music degree to use. Zayn, however, was unsure. He wanted to get his master’s from London too, but the uni he was attending had their seats almost full and Zayn wasn’t sure he’d get in with his scores (above average, but not enough, according to his professors) and the second best uni in London was not much better than the uni in town. He wanted to stay here for the comfort and the happiness, but he was worried about whether it would be enough. He swallows his doubt and decides to think about it later, when he isn’t thinking of his mates and the comfort of this town, when the overwhelming happiness about being home wears off, and he can think clearly. When he can weigh out the pros and cons and decide practically. Because right now, he doesn’t want to go back to London, not one bit, and that’s a little worrying, but he shrugs it off because it’s just the coziness and the high of being back home talking.

 

He dislodges himself from Harry’s grip, steps over Louis’ sleeping body, grabs his pack of cigarettes and ducks out of the living room, heading to the balcony for a much needed smoke. He thinks of London, with its lights making the city blaringly obvious, it’s jam packed streets (even at midnight), the rush and hastiness in people’s lives, all the humongous houses, the huge hoardings advertising the latest trends and the smell of sweat and urban living, loud coffee shops with lazy, rude students and angry customers, it’s glamour and streets filled with jewellery and branded clothes stores. It’s all pleasant enough, interesting and artistic enough for Zayn. Inspiring enough too, with all the graffiti on the walls and the locals and tourists with rainbow coloured hair and fifteen ear piercings (and the ones in all black and natural styles, because they were as interesting) and the pure variety of people there- he loved it all. And it evokes a sense of longing in his heart. He listens, and yearns for the noises of people shouting- an impromptu band of a few teenagers wanting to belong and vehicles with impatient drivers honking away- he might miss it. A lot, actually.

 

He hears footsteps behind him, and startles a bit, before warm, calloused hands cover his eyes and an earthy, soft giggle is resounded. He grins because it’s Liam and Liam makes him extremely happy. Soft, dorky, sincere Liam, who is the closest to perfection, Zayn thinks. Catching Liam’s wrist in his hands, he brings them in front of him, tugging Liam closer (he always wants him closer) and leaning against his warm body.

 

‘Miss London?’ and Zayn is so distracted that for a moment he thinks Liam is referring to him as London- and the thought is so funny that he laughs out loud, confusing Liam a bit, before shaking his head and replying.

 

‘Sometimes. Miss the rush, the madness. The graffiti. Don’t miss missing you, though. Don’t miss being away from here.’

 

Liam’s rubbing circles on his wrist and right now Zayn thinks that he doesn’t want to miss this. Doesn’t want this to be a memory he takes with him, with his luggage, to London (he needs to stop thinking about it). He wants to know how Liam’s been, though, because it’s been three whole years, and the last week has been a frenzy of jokes and gushing- but they never had a chance to properly sit down and talk. Never had a chance to be alone.

 

‘Hey, Li? How’ve you been? Tell me everything, yeah?’

 

And Liam does. He tells him about his parents, and how Karen had begged Geoff not to sell their old car because of the memories they’d created in it (which reminds Zayn of that one picnic that Liam’s parents took the five of them to because they’d done really well in their final term exams) so it’s still sitting in their garage, dusty and useless, but still full of memories. He tells him how his sisters have changed drastically- he sounds a little upset, but very proud- from bratty and bossy older sisters to lovely, hardworking but still bossy, older sisters. Zayn scoffs because he always thought they were lovely- Liam was just bitter because they always made him the scapegoat of their mischief. Liam shift his hands (and his head, placing his chin on Zayn’s shoulder) so they’re resting, clasped together, on Zayn’s stomach, feeling every breath he inhales and exhales, Zayn’s hands resting atop of them. He’s a bit too aware of the size and texture of the hands under his.

 

Liam tells him about Loki, and how he’s been sick for a while, and it was all Liam could think about that week (and Zayn remember that week- Liam shaved his head and looked distracted and fidgety the entire week. He didn’t want to worry Zayn, apparently, and that’s why he never told him. Zayn’s sort of glad, too, because he had tests that week, and with the amount of love he has for Loki, he wouldn’t have been able to concentrate one bit) but he’s almost as good as new now (Zayn sort of hates that phrase, thinks it makes Loki sound like a toy, and Liam gets it, so he bites his shoulder and mumbles an apology and rephrases his sentence), so Liam’s going to collect him in two days- and he invites Zayn, too, none of that nervousness that his voice held that first day back in town in his, remaining. Zayn accepts, of course, squeezing Liam’s hand. Liam is the bravest person he ever met, he thinks and listens as Liam talks about his last year of high school and his two years at uni and how he was terribly lonely for a while, with him taking completely different classes from the rest of them. Zayn jokingly asks him if that’s the time he missed Zayn the most- and Liam denies it- saying that the time he missed Zayn the most was when the three of them graduated and his parents took him for another one of their drives and picnics and Liam was so happy that day- but he wasn’t happy enough, too, because he could never reach that high without Zayn next to him. And Niall, he adds. Zayn suddenly feels the wetness in his eyes and blinks repeatedly to suppress them.

 

Liam continues to talk about his classes and how he kind of hated them, which was why he dropped out and enrolled at the firefighter training academy and fell in love with it. He talks about Louis and Harry and how they’re so completely in love but so adamant about not wanting to ruin their friendship (and that hits home, for some reason- and makes him shudder and think of Liam and the thoughts he’d been having recently about his lips and staying in his arms forever) and denying their feelings and how all three of them have not once met up for a lunch or a movie without missing Niall and Zayn. He thinks he understands, because he associates Niall with the three of them, and the three of them with Niall, and he sees them as individuals, but also as his main source of happiness- and he’s always had a bit of stomach twisting and nostalgia when he and Niall do something the five of them used to do together.

 

Liam ends with talking about the last few months- and the three of them not being able to go a day without talking about how lovely it was going to be once Zayn and Niall and Lilly came back. He talks about being excited as hell about getting his firefighting license and his dream job, and about playing with Loki and not having to get worried about tiring him every second, and about spending time as a five some and not a threesome (which makes Zayn snort and Liam slap his arm for it)- and then he’s asking Zayn about his plans- whether he’s staying for good, or leaving and that makes Zayn tense up, refusing to answer and shrugging his shoulders because he doesn’t know and he doesn’t want to think about it right now, he just wants to listen to Liam talk in his soft voice and feel his heartbeat against his back. That’s it.

 

Eventually, Liam gets Zayn to talk about his three years, and there’s a lot of giggling and arm slapping involved. Zayn tells him about his classes, his mates (‘Don’t ditch us for them, ‘kay?’ ‘Can’t promise that, Li, they’re a pretty interesting bunch.’ And then Liam pouts for a while until Zayn hugs him and kisses his nose and tells him that they’re his favourite people in the entire world and no one could ever replace them, making Liam fake gag and Zayn flip him off, because ‘you asked for it, wanker, not me’). He talks about his writing courses and his newfound talents for sculpting and spoiling Lilly. He talks about Niall and Sally, how they’re the simplest, most easygoing couple Zayn’s ever met, how relaxed he feels in their company, how much they love Lilly and each other, how much he loves all three of them- they talk for a good hour and a half before the sounds of three people snoring over each other (Louis’ being the loudest and crudest, obviously) alerts them.

 

‘Should probably get to dinner, right? It’s my turn tonight. Help me?’ Liam asks him, gently massaging his shoulders.

 

‘Always, Li.’ And they head to the kitchen, stepping over three star fished, sleeping, snoring bodies. And it’s a nice feeling in Zayn’s chest again. He thinks about how long it’s going to take for this to get burnt- for something potentially problematic to happen and send his good mood and this right feeling in his lungs to hell.

 

(an hour and a flour fight later)

 

‘Shit, Zayn, I said hand me the salt- not the sugar! The pesto’s going to be all sweet now. Thanks to you!’ Liam groans while trying desperately to fix the sauce.

 

Zayn pouts. ‘The powdered sugar and salt look the exact same, Leeyum. It’s not my fault. Why don’t you have crystalized sugar? It’s so more convenient? It’s the only one used in London.’

 

‘Well, go back to London then. Only powdered sugar here.’ There’s no heat in his words, only a slightly amused tilt, so Zayn relaxes. ‘Honestly though, Zayn, you’re a hazard. If Louis complains about the food, don’t expect me to take the blame, ‘kay?’

 

Zayn quickly trots over to him and sticks his face right under where Liam’s slightly panic stricken face (he has a cute little concentrated frown on his face, and Zayn wants to coo at it) and sticks his lower lip out, widening his eyes at him. ‘You wouldn’t take the fall for me, Liam? For me? Because Louis loves you more and he’d definitely forgive you faster. If I were you, I’d take the fall for me, babe.’

 

He’s just joking around, but for some reason Liam turns bright red, his eyes widening and Zayn doesn’t know wh- oh. It’s the ‘babe’, isn’t it. Zayn’s pout slips off, replaced by a smirk. ‘Like being called that, huh, babe?’ Liam looks like a deer caught in headlights for a moment, before-

 

Zayn is shrieking as a tumbler filled with cold water and poured down his back and Liam is now beet red- this time because of laughter, not embarrassment, the jerk.

 

He feels like grinning madly because he’s so fond of Liam and so fond of the way he’s such a silly dork sometimes, taking joy in pouring a tumbler of water down someone’s back, honestly, but he doesn’t let it show, instead schooling his face into an angry frown. He steps forward, slowly making his way towards Liam, leaning against the opposite wall, still giggling a bit, and crowds into his space. Unlike last time, he doesn’t rest his forehead on Liam’s but he’s still unbelievably close. He expects him to get a little scared, a little wary. But instead, Liam is grinning mischievously. And Zayn feels so- overwhelmed. He looks like sunshine, is the thing. Like Zayn’s favourite scents (vanilla or lemon) and his favourite books (The Catcher in the Rye and To Kill a Mockingbird), his favourite songs (he has too many, and Liam knows them all by heart, even though his music taste is vastly different) and all his favourite places (which are all right next to Liam, actually). His eyes are glistening, his face so happy and open- Zayn feels like crying because he knows Liam, and Liam gets this look on his face only when he’s 100% happy and when he feels like home and comfort and to think that being with Zayn makes him look like that is just. Alexithymia.

 

Feeling overwhelmed makes Zayn do stupid things, apparently, because for a second he’s thinking he’s in love and the lyrics ‘you’re my sweetest downfall’ are what he thinks about, and then the next? He’s kissing Liam into oblivion; hands itching to hold his face, or tug on his hair or his-

 

That’s when he realizes what he’s doing and how much he was enjoying it, and pulls back, staring into Liam’s widened ‘what the fuck just happened’ eyes, before bolting out of the kitchen and the flat.

 

  *****

 

He’s trying to breathe, he is, but it’s hard. It’s hard to breathe, and he’s craving a smoke or Liam but he can’t have either right now and it’s hurting. He’s almost running now, crossing the streets with a reckless abandon he knows he’s going to regret later, but right now, he doesn’t care, he just wants to lie down.

 

 He reaches Harry’s flat and fumbles for the keys, dropping them in his haste. He curses at himself, and the moment he gets the door open, he rushes into the guest room and flops onto the bed.  He buries himself under the duvet and tries not to think, instead concentrating on breathing. In and out- about twenty times. The moment he can feel himself begin to think, he pulls out his iPod and blasts playlist after playlist until he falls asleep. As long as he’s not thinking, it’s all good.

 

*****

 

‘Why aren’t you saying anything? Why are you not freaking the fuck out, Louis?!’ Liam stares desperately at Louis, wondering why the hell Louis wasn’t surprised about the whole kissing fiasco.

 

‘Want honesty, Liam?’ he asks. Liam frowns at him because what, but he nods. ‘I always knew this would happen. He fancies the pants off of you, and does a terrible job of hiding it, so. You know, I figured he’d be sick of holding back one day.’

 

 Liam needs to sit down. There’s a chant of _what what what what is louis talking about what what what because no way in hell does zayn fancy him right nope he would know he’s his best mate that’s so not possible_ resonating in his head. But, like, he kissed Liam, so. So there is a possibility, actually. But then why’d he run away like it was a mistake right after?

 

‘Why’d he run away right after kissing me, then?’ Liam demands. ‘He was kissing me one second, and the next he was pulling back, and heading out the door. That’s not what people usually do after they kiss people they fancy. It’s more of a thing people do when they’re high on adrenaline and they kiss someone by mistake in the spur of the moment.’

 

Louis stares at him for a long time. ‘You’re a daft one, you know? Very thick.’

 

Liam scowls and flips him off.

 

‘Darling, honestly. Okay. First off, what were you guys doing that gave him an adrenaline rush?’

 

Liam thinks about it and- ‘Cooking? And I poured a tumbler of cold water down his shirt. He shrieked, his voice went all high and it was adorable, to be honest, like a-‘

 

Louis rolls his eyes and raises his hand to stop Liam. ‘Cooking gave him a rush, you’re saying?’

 

‘Well. I guess? I don’t why else he would kiss me.’

 

‘I just told you why, you moron, he fancies you!’ Louis’ looks like he’s on the verge of throttling Liam and it makes him a little nervous. He’s just not very used to this.

 

‘But then why’d he run o-‘

 

‘Shit, Liam, if you kissed someone you fancied, and you believed that said person didn’t like you back, what would you do?’

 

‘Run away, but-‘

 

‘Exactly. And what exactly was your reaction when he kissed you?’

 

‘I felt really-‘

 

‘I don’t care, Liam, honestly, we can about that later. What about physically? How did you react physically?’

‘Um.’ He felt a bit chided and overwhelmed and his mind never works clearly in these situations. ‘I think I was just really surprised. Physically, too. I mean- I guess wide eyes? I didn’t get a chance to kiss back, I was just really shocked.’

 

‘I rest my case. Wouldn’t you have reacted the exact same way if you kissed someone you fancied and they responded that way?’

 

Now that he thinks about it, yes. Exactly that way. ‘So you really think he fancies me?’

 

Louis winks at him. ‘The real question is- do you fancy him?’

 

He used to, he thinks. He used to fancy the shit out of Zayn. But then he’d left, and Liam was so glad, because he could finally relax, not be tense about kissing him all the time, and doing things that mates just didn’t. Instead, he just missed him even more, and that made his infatuation grow. Everything he saw, or thought, he would want to tell Zayn about. But by the time Zayn returned, Liam had taught himself self control and had almost convinced himself that he didn’t like Zayn. Didn’t like boys, even.

 

 But then Zayn had kissed him and it all came back to him. He was all of Liam’s dreams and favourite memories wrapped into one, and the kiss reminded him of that.

 

‘I um, I guess? I enjoyed the kiss quite a bit and- Zayn’s always been special, you know?’ Liam tries.

 

 Louis scoffs. ‘Please. You fancy him just as much, don’t you? Its fine, Li, things will be okay. You fancy him, he obviously fancies you, what more do you need for the perfect recipe, honestly?’

 

Liam is about to reply, but Louis continues. ‘Good food, come on, chop chop, Liam, this pesto tastes weird, be a flower and fix it, please? I’m only saying please because you’re having a crisis right now. Ta, now, I wanna go give the other two some love, ‘kay? You don’t worry about your boy, it’ll get sorted.’

Liam doesn’t think it’s going to get sorted as easily as he’s making it sound, but he simply nods and goes back to cooking. Louis leaves the kitchen, slapping Liam’s bum on the way, the wanker, leaving Liam alone with his thoughts. His thoughts, that are scattered and confused and not getting him anywhere.

He decided to just ignore it for the time being.

 

*****

 

Zayn doesn’t return for dinner, or the next day. Liam freaks out a lot. Zayn sleeps a lot.

 

*****

 

It’s not easy. Ignoring Liam is probably one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do, besides leaving Liam and this town behind. The only thing making it slightly easier is that Liam didn’t seem to want to interact with Zayn either. 

 

He watches as Liam swerves the moment he sees Zayn, and wonders whether Liam’s trying to deliberately stay away from Zayn too, or whether he’s doing it simply because he didn’t want to make Zayn uncomfortable. Either way, it sucks and Zayn knew something had to ruin that cloud of happiness in his chest. The other boys have taken to distributing their time between the two, and meals together are way too awkward for him to handle. He wants to break this cycle, but he doesn’t know how. Should he just go right up to Liam and talk to him about something random or should he apologize for his actions. He’s confused and uncomfortable and he hates it. Apparently are do the other three, who are constantly whispering amongst each other and shooting worried glances at Liam and Zayn (sitting on the opposite ends of the couch, with Lilly between them and staring resolutely at the TV screen). He knows that Liam’s told Louis, because the two of them seem to be arguing a lot lately, too (he wonders what they’re arguing about, though. His best guess is that Louis is trying to get him to talk to Zayn again, just ignore what had happened. Harry and Niall seem confused (and curious. Very curious. And he’s tired of the questions, now.) Lilly’s been picking up on the situation too, and Zayn for once, isn’t thankful about her being observant. She asks Zayn about it, one night, when he’d reading to her, and she interrupts her favorite bedtime story to question Zayn about his and Liam’s situation. Zayn tries to laugh it off, tries to convince her that they’re completely fine. There’s no way he convinced her, damn her clever brain, but he might have looked desperate enough for her to not push.

 

 Another thing picking at Zayn is that Liam has been looking sufficiently upset by the whole thing. He doesn’t look mad at all. Just very, very upset and careful around Zayn. He figures it’s because he misses Zayn because they were best mates, after all. What he doesn’t get is why Liam doesn’t look the least bit mad. That too, Zayn thinks, could just be because Liam is, like, the best person ever, and probably has people falling all over him all the time and has become used to his mates kissing him randomly.

 

 *****

 

Days have passed. 8, to be exact. And both he and Liam have not uttered a single word to each other. The rest are quite a bit upset at them. Including Lilly, who refuses to talk to Zayn, always pretending to be asleep when Zayn goes to read to her. It sort of hurts Zayn, because it’s not just Liam he’s losing, but the others too. And this was definitely not what he expected.   The word losing seems a bit too dramatic, he thinks, it’s not like things won’t be the same ever, but it feels dramatic enough to use it. Which is why he uses it when he’s crying about it to Harry and Niall. Harry slaps him hard on the face, and he looks up, shocked, to see Harry frowning and Niall pouting (and Zayn never thought he’d pull it off, honestly, but he puppy eyes' quite well, Zayn is mildly impressed) at him.

 

‘Why would you say that? You’re not losing us, Zayn. What the fuck? I know things with Liam have hit a rough patch, and it’s thrown things off balance a bit, but we’re all mates for life, right? This is nothing. We’ll get past it. Sooner or later. So stop sa-‘

 

‘Sooner if you just grow a pair and talk to him, mate’ Niall interrupts. Zayn scowls at him.

 

But Harry’s right, and he didn’t mean what he said anyway. ‘I know. I’m sorry. I don’t really believe that, honest. Just came out, sort of. Sorry.’

 

Harry shrugs. ‘S’fine, just remember that we’re all there for you. Liam included. Liam especially, I think.’  He winks at Zayn and- what? ‘What’s with the winking?’

 

Harry just winks at him again and Zayn sighs, going back to the plant he’d been- planting.

 

*****

 

Zayn hates Harry, Niall and Louis with a burning passion. Because they’re inconsiderate assholes, and Liam and Zayn are currently locked in a room (room, not even the house) and Liam looks miserable and uncomfortable and Zayn hates his friends. And himself.

He does want to fix things with Liam, though, and he thinks, there’s no time better than the present right?

 

‘Um. Liam?’

 

Liam looks up, scared and confused.

 

‘Can we just- can we go back to normal? To us? You and me?’

 

He looks pained and a little disappointed and Zayn is so, so confused.

 

‘I guess? I mean I thought we could talk about it? I mean. It’s better to talk about it, right?’ He’s starting to look hopeful and no, Zayn knows he wants him to deny his feelings for Liam and he doesn’t want to get into that right now, because he hasn’t worked that out himself either and he really doesn’t want to get into it. ‘The- the kiss, I mean, I guess-‘

 

‘I think we should just move past it, Liam. I’m sorry it happened, honestly, please let’s just not talk about it and get over it and please go back to being us.’ He manages to get out, voice shaking.

‘Okay.’ Liam’s nodding, and his eyes seem- teary? ‘Okay, I’m okay with that. Moving past it. That’s what we should- yeah.’

Zayn nods too, not even close to feeling satisfied about things, but he doesn’t know why, so he ignores the feeling of being incomplete. He and Liam will be alright, at least. Things will be fine. They’re still best mates. (Best mates, he has to remind himself, not more. Not best mates who kiss. Platonic best mates.)

 

*****

 

It’s been three weeks since the day he and Zayn were locked in the room, and Liam was going to pour his heart out, and instead Zayn admitted that it was a mistake and they should just get past it. Three weeks, and things are almost perfect, because they’re back to being themselves again, and everyone seems comfortable and happy, and Lilly is finally talking to him again, but. Somethings missing, and he knows it’s a piece of his heart. It feels like it did just before Zayn left and Liam had discovered his feelings for him. It’s shitty and Liam hates it and he can’t stop thinking of Zayn’s lips against his. He figures the memory probably disgusts Zayn.

 

 *****

 

‘I’m going back to London in a few weeks, Lou. I sent my application to the uni’s there. I reckon I’ll get into at least one. I’ll be back for every other holiday, though.’ He says quietly in the dark. He can hear Louis’ breath hitch and his body turn to face Zayn’s.

 


	2. don't you see me now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of larry and Niall, as promised. There will be more, of course. This is just the start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like this one !! It's a bit of larry, because i'd gotten way too absorbed in writing ziam, i sorta neglected them. It's a little short, but there will be more coming, yeah? Leave a comment or kudos or whatever. Have a lovely day !!  
> Also, i recommend listening to Falling For You by the 1975 during this chapter :K <3 xx
> 
> Edit: Okay, so, since i combined the last three chapters into one because i wanted more decently sized chapters, I wanted to do the same with this one. Delete it, write about- 5k?- more and then post it. But i've got lovely comments on this chapter so i don't want to lose it. So once im done writing the 5 or whatever K i'll string it to this chapter, yeah? Don't want 2k per chapter, too much of a hassle for everyone. So yep, check this chapter out every once in a while, i'll probably keep adding stuff to it. Thank you. Have a great day <3 xx
> 
> Edit: Added loads of nouis and larry and Niall/ Sally stuff :D Hope you enjoy !! xx

Louis is plastered and euphoric, bobbing his head to the music (the DJ has _shit_ taste, just like the beer he’s downing every ten minutes) and he decided he needs tequila, better music and Harry. He scrambles off the bar stool he was moping in and pushes through the crowd, looking for clear jade eyes, curly hair and dimples. He can barely stand, though, so he’s stumbling around and the only things in focus are people’s feet and they’re not Harry’s so he’s getting quite annoyed. A bit at himself, a bit at Harry. Stupid best mate looking so _fit_ and _lovable_ all the time. And so _platonic_ , he hates him. The DJ starts playing a tune Louis recognizes and quite enjoys, so he stops abruptly and listens. _If the world falls apart, I will hold you in my arms_ \- he smiles, thinking of Harry but then- _like a friend_ and no, that’s Niall and Zayn and Liam. Not Harry. He sings along though, ( _when the world’s unkind, I will make you smile)_ still mushed between sweaty, drunk horny people grinding against each other. It’s rubbing off on him though, because he suddenly needs Harry. _Needs_ him. He groans and moves along, unfocused eyes scanning the crowd for curls and a dorky grin. He finally spots him, chatting with a few enamoured folks gathered around him, gesturing wildly. Louis is so in love with him.

He jogs towards him, which is made quite hard because of the crowd, but he manages. Harry’s grin widens when he spots Louis, must have introduced him, because the crowd around him turns to look at him, some curious, some bored, some _jealous_ , even. That was quite cool. Harry’s still grinning at him, and Louis needs him, so he moans again and tells him this. Clearly Harry is not drunk enough because he looks shocked, the grin sliding off his face. He knows it’s a bit- sudden, because he’s the one who called it off when he realized he’d developed feelings for his best mate with benefits. But he doesn’t care right now, he’s drunk and he needs him and he’ll regret it later, okay?

‘Please, Haz. _Please_ take me home.’

Harry blinks at him.

‘C’mon, I know I called it off but- wait.’ He has the perfect idea, making his way to the DJ and requesting a song. He returns to Harry with a smug grin, and a few seconds later, Usher’s DJ Got Us Falling In Love Again starts blasting off the speakers. This is _their_ song. He doesn’t know why, or how, but it is. Harry smiles a little at that, but it’s a sad smile. That makes him sad. ‘Why’re you s-‘

Before he could complete the question, he’s yanked forward, and then out of the club, Harry leading the way. Louis starts giggling, and Harry glances fondly at him, hand outstretched to catch a cab. “You’re really drunk, aren’t you, Lou?’

‘Good-‘ he hiccups, ‘observation, Hazzy.’

Harry chuckles. ‘I don’t want to do this, because I know you’re going to regret it later on, but you’re _so hard to say no to_.’ Louis giggles more at this, and daintily gets into the taxi Harry’d managed to catch. He rambles off directions, and then turns to Louis, dark eyes and a tongue wetting his lips.  Louis leans forward to press his lips against his unsurprisingly soft and pliant lips. It’s sticky and glorious, and he can taste the orange vodka he’d been sipping. He bets that it had a little umbrella on it too- no, he’s not supposed to thinking about that- Harry’s lips are what’s important right now. Physical stuff, concentrate on that, he reminds himself, not the emotional stuff. He runs his fingers through his curls, Harry’s hands roaming his back. They’re panting and _hard_ by the time the taxi stops in front of Louis’ flat. He’s a little less drunk now, he thinks. He still wants- _needs_ Harry more than anything. They pay the driver and Harry politely thanks him and apologises for the ‘activities going on in the backseat’ and Louis tugs him out with a fond smile he cant hide.

They’re heading towards Louis’ flat before- ‘Shit, Haz, Niall and Lil are probably asleep and Niall will skin us alive if he realizes we’re fucking in the same house as his daughter. He’s already mad at me because apparently Lilly’s been using a lot of curse words and Niall thinks it's my influence. Can we head to your place instead?’

Harry shakes his head, ‘I was gonna, but Zayn’s, like, super upset about Liam Things and I didn’t wanna- disturb him, I guess? I dunno, just didn’t seem like the right idea. That’s why I chose your place. Niall and Lil sorta slipped my mind, sorry.’

He’s feeling a bit (a _lot_ ) deflated. He was really looking forward to- ‘Hey, did I mention that Zayn’s moving back to London in a few weeks?’ He blurts out instead, confusing himself, because _where the fuck did that come from_.

Harry gapes at him. ‘What? Why? And why didn’t you mention this before, you tosser? Shit, he’s- he’s actually gonna leave? I was, like, 110% sure he was planning to stay.’ He looks extremely upset. Louis was extremely upset about this too, but he had, like, a few days to get over it.

‘Haz? Remember when you said you wanted to try it out in the backseat of the car once? I could take you up on that right now.’ They really need a distraction and Harry _did_ once state this.

He looks confused for a moment, before his eyes light up and Louis is being dragged again towards his car.

*****

Harry wakes up to Louis spooning him, gentle snores ( _purrs_ , Harry thinks) pouring out of his mouth. The same mouth he’d used last night to- _shit._ He knows Louis’ going to regret it, and ignore him for two days before _Harry_ apologizes and Louis shakes his head and pretends not to know what for (and there really isn’t any reason for him to, because it’s almost _always_ Louis initiating it but it’s the only way he knows how to go back to normal, though). He can never bring himself to regret it though. Last night too- it was amazing. It was hard holding back the ‘ _love you so much’_ he wanted to mutter every time Louis fucked him right. It was hard, and its going to be hard for the next few days and –forever, actually. Because Harry doesn’t know when he’s going to stop loving Louis, who obviously only sees him as a best mate. Best mate with benefits, but that doesn’t make a difference. He’s not even flattered that Louis finds his body appealing anymore. It is what it is and he should be happy but-he wants so much _more_ \- and he can never have it.

He takes a deep breath and shuts his eyes again, willing himself to sleep until Louis can wake up and slip out the bed- _car_ and then pretend it never happened while simultaneously ignoring him. Perfect.

He awakes after god knows how long, and pats himself on the back for having Louis Tomlinson down to the T because of _course_ he’s the only one in the car.

 

***** 

 

‘No, Daddy, you can’t put a 2 there- there’s a 2 in the same box, see?’

 

Niall frowns and glares at the folded newspaper in front of him. He’s usually quite brilliant at Sudoku. Never makes silly mistakes and yet-

 

He’s glad his daughter’s got his knack for the Japanese puzzle, though. He kisses her cheek. ‘Be a duck and get me some chips, Lil?’ Food always helps with his concentration.

 

Lilly salutes him before jumping off the couch- with some difficulty because Louis’ couch is the kind that likes to swallow human beings up- and runs towards the bedroom. She stubs her toe on the side of the teapoy on the way, though and yells out, ‘Fuck!’ loud and clear. He was scrambling up to help her but he falls back down the moment she utters the word. She’s wincing in pain though, so Niall buries the shock (he should’ve expected it, to be honest, she’d already used about six other curse words since they’d landed in town) and rushes over to help her up. She’s not crying, but she is limping and flinching, and Niall feels bad for her. Apparently, along with Sudoku solving skills, Lilly’s got Niall’s habit of stubbing his toe on the corner of every single piece of furniture that he crosses. He strokes her hair and blows on her toe until she calms down before bringing it up.

 

‘Sweetie, the word you used before. The one that starts with an ‘f’?’ He waits for her to nod before continuing, ‘You’re not supposed to be using it, duck.’ He’s trying his best to sound stern, but he doesn’t yell at her often, doesn’t even reprimand her much. She usually listens to him, his wife and Zayn. And all the adults in her life that she respects, really, and whenever she needs to be corrected sternly, Sally likes to handle it, claiming Niall’s too soft to be properly stern with her.  It’s sort of true.

 

‘Uncle Lou used it, though. Nobody stopped him from using it.’

 

‘Uncle Lou’s an adult, Lilly. And he’s not my daughter, is he?’

 

He's already had this conversation with her before- six times. He should probably try being a little more strict to really get through to her. Or just, you know, let Sally handle it if it persists until she gets here.

 

‘No! I’m your only daughter! I’m the only one you read to, and feed and play book cricket with, right?’ She’s giggling and he’s smiling and this is what he meant by not being able to be stern with her.

 

‘That’s right. Now, not that I want you to, but when you’re Uncle Lou’s age, you can use the word if you feel like you should, okay? Right now, I’d prefer if you didn’t use it. And ignore all the words Louis uses that are followed by a hand covering his mouth and wide eyes and another curse and then an apology, alright?’

 

She’s quick to agree, scurrying around the teapoy, careful to stay a good distance away from it, towards the kitchen. Louis joins them a while later, Lilly falls asleep in the love seat and the two of them end up playing FIFA and gorging on chips and candy (Louis hoards bulls eyes) until they too, end up cuddled on the couch, drooling and snoring away to their contentment. Niall wakes up to a blanket around them and Lilly watching cartoons on the tele, and falls asleep again, feeling eternally grateful for his family of blood, as well as choice.

*****

 

Niall grins at the slouching figure emerging from the room after- he glances at the clock- eighteen hours. There’s a scowl on his face, bags under his eyes, and his clothes reek of two days’ sweat and exhaustion.

Louis narrows his eyes at Niall. ‘Stop grinning and gaping like that, it’s rude. Seems like you’re thinking about how much better your life is than mine. Which may be true, but stop thinking it.’

‘Your life would probably be much better if you just _talked_ to him, mate.’

Louis gapes at him. ‘To _whom_? No clue what you’re going o-‘

Niall rolls his eyes. ‘Lou, mate, honestly, I’m not dim. Shit at geography and physics, but I’ve got eyes and common sense, and you and Harry have been doing this dance since before I had Lilly.’

‘Harry and I have not being doing any sort of dance. We just get smashed and fuck -sometimes. Heard of friends with benefits, bro? I’m sure you have. S’what me and him are. It works. There’s absolutely no dancing involved. Unless you count the time that he did shots and tried to fuck in the-‘

Niall surges forward and slaps his hand across Louis’ mouth. ‘Really don’t care. Care about not knowing, actually. All I’m saying is that you _know_ it’s not that simple. I know you, Lou. Know the both of you. Know that feelings get involved and things get complicated and that’s why you should _never ever_ fuck your best friend before you admit to having said feelings.’

Louis shakes himself off Niall’s hand and gets up abruptly. ‘I definitely don’t have feelings for him, and I’m even more sure that Harry just sees me as a fuck buddy. He loves me, in a perfectly platonic way. Loves my body in a perfectly sexual way. There’s no romance or feelings involved, and I am perfectly okay with that.’

Louis’ got tears in his eyes by the end and Niall regrets ever bringing it up. It just reinforces his theory, but that doesn’t matter, not now, not when it’s only hurting Louis. Niall is fairly sure that Harry feels the same way, though. Honestly, this is a repeat of the zaynandliam situation, and Niall rolls his eyes at his friends’ incapability of _talking_ about their bloody feelings.

He sighs. ‘Sorry I brought it up. Lets just leave it, okay, Lou?’

Louis petulantly shakes his head, rubbing his knuckles in his eyes, trying to urge the tears back in.

‘I don’t need you to leave it. Need you to understand that I’m _not_ in love with him.’

In love? He blinks at Louis standing in front of him, still fighting back tears, the very image of angst and pining, but he never realized he was in that deep. In love?

‘In love? Never said that, Lou.’ He needs to learn to let go, to bring it up when he’s able to deal with it better, but he’s stupid, and Louis’ attempts to hold back tears all but fail, his face losing the scowl as he bursts into tears.

Niall is about to go and find some tissues and chocolates, but Louis falls into his lap, his arms circling around his neck and sobbing into his chest. He runs his hand through his uncombed hair, loosening the tangles and knots, kissing his head.

‘’M in love with him. So in love. Love everything about him. Very romantically. And it _hurts_ , Ni, because I know he doesn’t think of me of like that, and it absolutely _sucks_.’

‘Babe, I see hearts in his eyes every time he looks at your bloody face. Toes, even. I’m like, 123% sure he’d pop a boner –a heart boner- if I showed him a picture of a thumb and told him it was yours. He’s proper lost in you, Lou. I promise you.’ He’s confident in Harry’s lovestruck-ness.

Louis is shaking his head before he even finishes, though, and Niall is a bit offended at this blatant lack of trust.

‘Don’t believe me? I’ll show you. Give me two days, and I’ll show you. I’ll show you how gone he is for you. And you’ll owe me fifty quid. Deal?’

Louis rolls his eyes and mutters, ‘The fifty quid is going to stay where it is, so sure. Deal.’

Niall tries to shove him off and get up, but Louis clings to him, wrapping his legs around Niall. ‘M’ clingy when I’m sad, you know that.’ He buries his face in Niall’s neck and mumbles. ‘Not letting go today. Ever. Not letting go of my favorite comfort food, ever, now. That’s you, Niall.’

It’s times like this when Niall is forced to wonder if Louis’ body produces a bit of alcohol, because even when he hasn’t drunk at all, he seems plastered off his arse.

He shrugs and carries him into the kitchen, pouring out Coco Pops (Louis’ favourite) into a cereal bowl and sets a fussy Louis on the kitchen counter.

‘You’re a child. Eat up, okay? I’ve got to get Lilly from her mate’s house.’ Louis looks calmer now. ‘Take a shower, too, you reek. And stop moping, okay? For three days, at least. If I can’t prove Harry’s love –aggressively non platonic love- for you in three days, you can go back to moping, yeah?’

Because Louis is extremely predictable, Niall ducks his head and misses the light punch that he was about to throw. ‘And learn to appreciate best mates who carry you around and make you eat and shower and provide the sagest of advices.’

Louis rolls his eyes and shovels Coco Pops into his mouth.

‘Love you, Ni.’ He yells through a mouthful, as Niall grabs his coat and umbrella and sets out into the downpour to collect Lilly. It had barely been six hours, but he’d missed her. His daughter was good company, bright, witty and innocently sharp. Very observant, too. He didn’t deserve her. Or Sally.

Sally. Thinking about her calms his entire body, the perpetual tingles settling down, taking a backseat for a while. He’s quite a chill, laid back guy, he thinks, but there’s always an underlying jitter. A bout of jitters that usually vanishes when he’s with, or thinks about Sally.

His lads too, though. Thinking about the four of them, calms him down better than he’d like to admit. It always bothers him a bit, because it’s not that different to what Sally makes him feel. A calm, a quiet, a concept of things working out always, happy endings. And it’s bothersome because Sally doesn’t set his body on fire. Doesn’t make his mind cloud or set his his nerves alight. Quite the contrary, actually, and he feels like he’s cheating her, sometimes, because that’s what his mates make him feel too, and what if it’s not enough? What if, what he feels for Sally, is not enough? He’s felt love before. He remembers it being painstakingly fast, rushing over him, his words stumbling over each other in his head and out loud, his face flushing furiously. And it’s never been like that with Sally. What he felt with Sally was just a heightened experience of what his mates make him feel. Incredibly heightened, but still. Where was the rush, the madness, the fumbling and stammering?

He remembers Amy, his only other serious relationship. Sure he'd been in love with others, but it was never reciprocated enough for a serious relationship. Amy, however, was someone he'd envisioned getting married to. Someone he wanted to sit on the porch and exchange banter with while their kids jogged around the yard. She'd made him feel some of the strongest emotions he'd ever felt, and he wasn't sorry. He's sure she'd felt the same. Until she met Josh, and. And he made her feel things even stronger. He'd met Sally a few weeks after they broke up though (which was the reason they were both so worried about Sally being the rebound for the first few months) so he'd never gotten a chance to really be upset about it. The first week had been hell, though, a haze of tears and takeaway and his four mates holed up in his living room while he sobbed into his pillow. 

When he’d kisses Sally, asked her out, asked her to move in, asked her to marry him, he hadn’t thought much about it. He was happy with her, and it was easy. He knew he was in love because of the way he felt at peace and euphoric when he cuddled with her. They’d known each other barely four months, but they were so sure they were in love, so lost in the simplicity and the happiness- that Niall never got to think about how different it was from his previous relationships. It seems more- less, when he thinks about it. It’s true that he’s never been happier than with her, though. But he’s not sure if that’s sufficient. It seems way too easy. They never had a pining period- absolutely no angst. He’d been attracted to the colour and shape of her lips when she’d been talking- about something incredibly interesting, he loves the things she talks about- and he’d swooped in, catching them with his own. It was short and sweet and the next day they were addicted to the feeling. The same way, they were having dinner at their favourite homely diner, and talking about some poor darling (a German Shepard, run over by an audi with a reckless driver) that she was working on, and her eyes were wet and wide. They moved on to talking about their favourite Sherlock episodes and how cliché but sweet that one John Green’s book was. And he’d realized that there’s nothing more he’d wanted in life. Just endless dinners and discussions like these, maybe more tiny people and/ or animals with them. So he’d popped the question the moment he had the chance to grab a ring from the nearest jewelry store, and she’d accepted with a gleeful face and arms around his waist.

And to this day- their relationship is the same. Simple and happy. With minimal angst. The worst fight they’d had lasted about 3 hours and was about whether Lilly should allowed to wear what she wants- even if it was gaudy and everyone would laugh at her- or they should sweep in and start protecting her.

 He doesn’t know if he’d being fair to her. Doesn’t know if the way he feels about her, the love he has for her, is enough. Doesn’t know if simplicity and happiness is sufficient for a relationship. He’s so confused and-

Lost. Actually, lost. Where the fuck is he? There’s old, worn buildings on both sides of the street that he doesn’t recognize. He grew up in this town, has explored every nook and corner with the lads at the age of 6, stumbling across parking lots and gardens. He knows this town like the back of his hand, and yet. And yet, he doesn’t recognize this street and it’s intimidating houses.

Where the fuck is he? He fumbles in his pocket for his phone, GPS is the solution to everything, but it’s dead- from the lack of charge or the rain- but he’s so, so fucked now. He takes a step back, deciding to head back where he came from, but his head contacts with some kid of solid- a lamp post? A courier box?- he doesn’t know, but it knocks him off his feet, and he passes out the moment his head hits the ground.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it? Congrats on making it this far. Go have a nice day or night, now <3 i love you. have a nice one :D


	3. i'm an island sinking, slow and frail inside

‘I’m chuffed. Why wouldn’t I be? M’ best mate is leaving for London in a few weeks, my  _other_  best mate refuses to look me in the eye or even be in the same room as me for more than five minutes. S’ all perfect, innit. What reason do I have to be upset? Life’s fucking ace, bro.’

Zayn sighs. ‘Haz, I’m-‘

Harry shakes his head and puts up a hand to silence Zayn. ‘I seriously do not want to hear it. Fuck. And it’s all because of Liam, I bet. Thought you sorted things out with him?’

He shuffles around on the cold marble parapet, a rolled up wad of weed tucked between his fingers, and rests his head on Harry’s lap. Despite the cherub faced boy’s annoyance with him, he tugs gently on his hair and massages his head.

‘I kissed him, you know?’ he says quietly in the dark, staring at the star splattered sky and quiet streets with the occasional rusty car speeding down the lane. ‘That’s why he- we, behaved differently. I tried to sort it out with him that time you and the lads,’ he pinches Harry’s thigh, earning a yelp, before continuing, ‘locked us up in that room.’ He closes his eyes. ‘It was weird. I don’t know what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling.’

Harry’s hand comes to rest against his cheek. ‘I figured. You’ve been quite enamored with him since forever, bro. Reckon it’s reciprocated, too.’

Zayn shakes his head. ‘He didn’t- didn’t kiss back, or- or anything, really. He hasn’t been  _mad_ , really, which I expected him to be, but he wasn’t pleased, either.’

‘We’re both a bit daftly in love with the wrong people, aren’t we?’

Zayn looks up into Harry’s eyes- into jade oceans with speckles of blue tear drops and- ‘Not wrong. Not wrong at all. Pretty perfect, to be honest.’ He tucks his head into the crook of Harry’s arm and breathes in long and hard. ‘S’ just unfortunate they don’t feel the same.’

He feels Harry sigh and rubs circles against his hip. ‘Terribly in love with him, though. Liam. Just- realized today, actually.’ He gulps. ‘Found this old picture of us in your study, right, the one where I’m just staring at him- all fond and shit?’

Harry hums. ‘There’s plenty of those, so im not quite sure which one you’re talking about.’

He snorts and lightly slaps his stomach. ‘I’d say that’s utter shit but- guess it’s not. I just look so completely in love, right? And then I look at Liam in that piece of shit Polaroid, and he’s –utter sunshine, I’m sure. He’s laughing and looking up, eyes all scrunched up and nose wrinkled and- I caught sight of the mirror- and I looked the exact same as I did in the picture. Just so stupidly fond and in love.’

‘It’s pretty gross, honestly. M’sure I don’t get that way when I look at Louis.’

Zayn whips his head around. ‘Louis?’ He teases. ‘Here I was sat, thinking we were going on about Liam and  _Niall_ , but apparently it’s been ol’  _Louis_  all along.’

Harry rolls his eyes and flips him off. ‘I’m glad I’m not as obvious as you, then.’

‘Bollocks. You laugh like a seal when he cracks a lame arse joke, Harry. It’s mental. I suffer from second hand embarrassment, I swear.’

‘Coming from you that’s super rich, tosser.’

He knows it’s true, so he merely hums in agreement and sits up again. ‘Wanna gorge on some of the leftover fettuccini and icecream?’

‘Gorging on leftovers? That’s a first, but sure. Lead the way.’

 

*****

 

Liam hears the phone ring, a Years and Years tune echoing through the bathroom, while he’s still in the tub, body shrivelling up like a raisin (disgusting, gross raisins) but he doesn't care because he’s too lazy and too relaxed to get up already. He rests his head against the tub edge, tucking his palms under his thighs and willing the now lukewarm water to ease away the tension in his body he’s had for days now.

He stays in the same position for a while longer, until the pins and needles in his legs become unbearable. He slowly makes his way out the tub, stamps his feet several times to get rid of the cramps, dries himself down, slipping and cursing at himself every minutes, before wrapping a towel loosely around his waist and heading out into his room. He fucks around with his hair chutneys and gels, heads back into the bathroom to shave, before slipping into his bed and tugging the duvet over his chest. He reaches out for his phone to find two missed calls from an unknown number. After a debate lasting a full three minutes in his mind, he decides to hit call back and presses the phone against his ear as he shuffles further into the duvet and gets warm and comfortable.

'Hello?' There's a female voice at the other end, he wonders if he should recognise it, but it doesn't sound familiar at all. 'May I speak to Liam Payne, please?'

Huh. She knows his name. And he still can't recollect her voice. 'Um, speaking?'

'You're Niall Horan's friend, correct?'

This was getting a little creepy. And terrifying. 

'Um. Yeah. We're friends, yeah. Uh, may i know who this is?'

'What's his daughters name?' She insists, completely ignoring his question. 

What the fuck? He's a bit wary, a bit protective but she sounded sincere and  _worried_  for some reason. 'Lily.'

There's a sigh resonating through the phone before she speaks again. 'I'm the mum of one of Lily's new mates, Bridget. Lily's dad was supposed to drop in a while back to pick her up, but it's been two hours and his phone's switched off. You have any idea of his whereabouts? Lily said you're a mate.'

'Um, I don't know, to be honest. No clue. But that's not like my friend, i swear. There must have been something urgent for him to not have landed up when he was supposed to. Especially since it concerns his daughter.' He clears his throat. 'I'll go check on him. Call you back as soon as I find something out, yeah?'

'Okay. Thank you.'

He hums lightly before hanging up and immediately scrambling out of bed, locating his discarded clothes, keys and rushing out of the house. He was telling the truth about this being completely unlike Niall. He was a time keeper, unlike Louis and Zayn. And his phone is  _never_  switched off. Busy, most of the times, because he's a social butterfly, but never off. Then again, he could have just forgotten to charge it enough.

He hops onto his bicycle. deciding against walking or taking his car, both seemed too time consuming, and pedals quickly towards Louis' house a few streets down. 

***** 

'Zayn.'

There's a twitch in his eyes and a sliver of drool slipping out from his mouth, but he barely stirs. 

'Zayn, mate, wake up please.'

He sighs when the boy scowls, still mostly asleep, turns away and continues drooling on his side.

Liam starts shaking his shoulder firmly while continuing to call out his name. Eventually, Zayn gets tired of trying to shrug his hand off and opens his eyes, which immediately widen when they take in the person sitting next to him. 

Liam licks his lip because he looks sexy and somehow incredibly  _soft_ , in this barely awake state. Gulping, he whispers, 'I'm sorry but you need to wake up, mate. Niall's missing.'

His eyes widen even more, comically so, and he croaks out, 'Missing? What do you mean  _missing?'_ His voice is exhausted - and Liam wonders if he's been barely sleeping too- and a little panicked. 

'Lily'd gone to a mate's house and was supposed to be picked up about- two and a half hours back, but Niall didn't go so they called me up, and I went to check at Lou's place and then Sainsbury's but he wasn't there, and his phones switched off too. So is yours, by the way, I tried calling you, and I'm pretty sure Lily did too. I put it up for charging though.'

He takes a breath and winces at the way he was rambling. He's always been a rambler. He wishes he could speak sweetly and shortly, like Zayn, but it's not in him. Zayn's hand comes and rests on his cheek, letting him know that he wasn't embarrassing himself, and Liam feels electrocuted, it's been so long since they spoke, let alone touched each other. He smiles gratefully at Zayn. Zayn, who is always thoughtful and wonderful. Zayn, who he's missed so much and he wished the whole kissing fiasco never happened- not that he didn't enjoy the actual kiss. He just didn't enjoy the aftermath. 

Zayn retreats his hand after a minute and pushes himself off the sofa. He stretches a bit and Liam feels his stomach drop because he's so  _fit_ , goddamn it. His tan shirt is casually clinging to his torso and his torn black jeggings make him look rebellious and non conforming and-

The blinding smile Zayn's sending him, the wink and chuckle- his way of saying that he's  _missed_  him- makes him want to bawl his eyes out. Liam tries to grin back, but his worry for Niall and general disappointment at not being able to kiss Zayn right now hinders him, and before he can manage it, Zayn's grown serious again. 

'Last time you heard from him?' 

Liam watches as Zayn makes his way through the pile of takeway cartons and discarded briefs to the key bowl and grabs his- Harry's- keys (which have got a silly keychain of a fist in a knocking position and inscription saying 'knock knock'- Liam thinks it's dumb but it's  _Harry_  so it's also a little bit endearingly quirky).

'Talked to Louis when I was at his place,' Zayn was already heading out the door, waiting at the door and holding it open for Liam. 'Said he'd left about- three hours before now, to pick her up. The house is six, seven blocks away. There's no way it's taken him this long.' 

Zayn looks more awake- and more worried. Liam takes his wrist in his hand and rubs gentle circles into the smooth skin, a trick he learnt calms Zayn down immediately. He continues until they reach the car, even though Zayn had calmed down a second into the massage. 

'S'not like Niall at all.' Zayn frowns at him when they're buckling up. 

Liam shrugs, trying to seem calm about the whole thing because if he doesn't, Zayn will probably start panicking. 'It's not, but I'm sure he's okay, yeah? Like, not hurt- or anything. Nothing too serious.'

 Zayn gulps, but seems to accept it. He nods feverishly and starts up the engine, turning and resting his hand on the carseat, fingers tingling inches away from Liam's shoulder as he reverses. It's somehow incredibly hot.

He takes his phone out to distract himself and finds 7 missed calls- which he checks hurriedly to see if one of them's Niall- it's not, it's Harry and Louis- and 13 messages telling him to call them as soon as he hears something and telling him that they'll join him after work. Liam doesn't really want them to, if he's being honest. It's one of the only times he's getting to spend with Zayn, and he'd like to have him to himself, thank you very much. 

But he'd rather have Niall safe first. So he tries his number again, still finds it switched off and shakes his head at Zayn's nervous arched eyebrow. 

They drive around town, stopping at stores and bars, keeping an eye out of a blonde shock of hair and raybans, but he'd nowhere to be found. Liam wonders if he should call Sally. He doesn't want her to worry, though. 

'Zayn? Should I give Sally a ring, mate?'

Zayn doesn't even think before shaking his head no, 'Sally's pretty chill about most things, but she's a worrier. Just like Niall, really. You remember the time Niall and Lily left the house chasing that one monkey around the block and Sally nearly lost her mind, don't you?' He snorts. 'She'd be bricking herself for hours until we find him, and calling every minute. It's not worth it. He's gonna be okay, anyways, right? He'll be okay, we'll find him and then we'll tell Sally.' He sounds nervous and shaky even now and Liam's at a bit of a loss about how to calm him down. He considers rubbing his thigh but that'd be too forward, wouldn't it?

Fuck it, Liam, he tells himself, your forwardness is hardly more important than Zayn's mental state. He forces himself to place his hand on Zayn's lower thigh and begins rubbing gently. 

Zayn looks a little startled, but he smiles gratefully at Liam until he's grinning back and motioning him to pay attention to the street.

 ***** 

 

Niall blinks his eyes open to the blinding sunlight seeping through the flimsy white lace curtains. He's almost rolling his eyes at the absolutely useless nature of the curtains, save for aesthetics, before he realising that he doesn't recognise the curtains- or the fiery red walls surrounding him. It's definitely not Louis' house. Unless he's slept through the remodelling of an entire room. Which is a scenario he hopes isn't true. 

He racks his brain for a memory while scrambling out of the duvet that's interlocked his feet. There's a searing pain at the back of his head that hurts like sh- _oh_. He remembers walking along a strange as fuck street, backing up and hitting his head against a lamp post. He winces a bit, thinking of the pain shooting down his spine. He figures this is a room in one of the strange houses with a kind occupant. He wonders if he should knock down a lamp or something to indicate his wakefulness, before the mahogany door is pushed wide open, revealing a woman in her early 20's, with vibrant red hair, dressed in pink gym shorts and a simple grey blouse. She's sweating, a towel swung across her shoulders and she's smiling brilliantly at him. It's not until the haziness disappears from his eyes, that he recognises the unruly curls and sharp, grinning face staring at him. His mouth quite literally drops open, because fuck, fate was certainly playing a game with him. Standing in front of him was the one person other than Sally he'd been thinking of. The one person he'd always wondered why he'd let go of. 

Standing in front of him, was his sweet and saucy ex, Amy. 


	4. all that you rely on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been super long, I'm sorry, I've had exams, and projects and other shitty stuff to deal with so. But here's more that i hope you enjoy. Leave a comment, please and thank you. Have a good day xx

'Quit gawking, Horan. Put your head back on the pillow.'

Niall gulps, startling a bit at her voice, reminding him that this is very much real, and his ex, his lost love, really is the occupant of the house he's woken up in. He frowns at the way she's smirking at him, but follows her orders and instantly scoots down and rests his aching head. 

Her smile turns more gentle as she walks over to the bed. 'You're back in town? Harry told me you're married? Got a kid and all?'

Niall nods, his throat still clamped up after the shock. 

' _Niall_ ,' She whines. 'You've always been a talker. _Talk_. Make me feel better about myself. Less guilty. Tell me things worked out for you.'

He almost chuckles at her bluntness. 'Lilly. My daughter. She's at a sweet seven. Mum's Sally. I, um-'

Shit. Lilly. That's where he was heading, to pick her up. He sweeps his hand across his pocket, instantly missing the familiar bump. 'Where's my phone?' 

Amy points at the dressing table next to him. 'Battery's down. I don't have any android chargers, Josh and I are both Apple users, sorry. I'll get you mine in a bit.'

Niall nods at her, smiling lightly. 'That'd be cool, thanks. And um, thanks for- picking me off the ground and bringing me here? Bed's are softer.' He grimaces at his embarrassing words, but it turns into a light smile after Amy's familiar chuckle. 

There's a silence that permits Niall to think about Lilly, and whether one of the boys managed to get her home yet. 'Ames? Phone, please.'

She nods, but makes no move to get it. Instead, she glides closer to him and sits next to him. He gets a whiff of her perfume- an old classic, one she'd always wear when they were together. He expects to feel- more, but. He doesn't. It's a warm feeling, but pretty bland. She runs her hand through his hair, and asks, 'Tell me about your wife? I never got a chance to make sure you were properly taken care of. The months following our break up were filled with Josh, and I just-it didn't occur to me at that time. But after we got engaged, I started feeling guilty. Wondering if I got you depressed and drunk.' Niall rolls his eyes, earning a light slap against his scalp. 'What? You loved me quite a bit. It was mutual, so I'm just empathising. Wondering if you were being taken care off.' 

Mutual, his arse.

He shrugs, not really eager to think about the first few weeks. And focused on Lilly and making sure she's got home safe and that no one's worrying about him right now. He glances at the vintage clock propped up on the dresser. It's been four and a half hours since he was supposed to pick her up. He clears his throat, deciding to get it over with, because Amy doesn't seem willing to move at all, without a satisfactory answer. 

'I met Sally about-a month? After we, um, broke it off-' _because you fell in love with Josh_ , he wants to add, but the bitterness when he thinks it is almost non existent now, so he swallows it down. 'I proposed about, five months later? Had Lilly a year later. They're the lights of my life, now.'

Amy cocks her head to the side and brings her hand to Niall's hair, gently running her hands through his hair. 'Do you love her like you love me? Does she make you feel like I did?'

And fuck. She really had to go for that. He gulps, and replies, with a fluttery voice that he absolutely hates. He's supposed to be sure of this. 'Yeah, she does. She, um, makes me feel in love?'

She frowns at him, fingers stilling. 'You don't sound too sure. Are you not happy, babe?'

She sounds genuinely worried, is the thing. Concerned, in a way that's making him want to spill all of his doubts and worries. 

He sniffs in a deep breath, and blinks his eyes a couple of times, trying to keep the tears at bay.

'I am. I'm definitely _happy_ , happier than I've ever been, it's just. I don't know if I'm in love.'

 

***** 

 

 'That'll be £1.37, Ma'am, and you can collect your change at the counter.' He smiles cheerfully as the sweet old lady pays off the bill, before he runs to the back of the bakery, grabs a mop and hastily sets about cleaning. He's wrapping up the leftover loaves of bread in brown paper when his phone spouts an all too familiar tune that makes his heart flutter a couple of times because, christ, it's been a while. And a pretty long while too. A week. But because Louis is an impatient little shit, the ringing stops before he can answer it. He shakes his head fondly, forces himself to get rid of his fond smile before Louis can hear it in his voice, and hits call back. 

'Pick up the phone when I call you, you dipshit, what if I was being kidnapped and I'd trusted you to be my saving grace? Honestly, you best believe I'm never putting my fate into y-'

'Lou.' Harry rolls his eyes. 'You're supposed to wait for four rings before disconnecting, mate, it's like, common protocol. You're way too impatient, babe.' 

Louis scoffs. 'Rubbish. I'm the least impatient person. And- before you even try and deny that, we have things of higher priority to attend to. Our Irish idiot is still missing.'

Harry frowns at the reminder. 'Still? It's been like 5 hours.' He takes a deep breath. 'Zayn and Liam still driving around the city, then?'

'Yeah, dunno why. Niall's not gonna head to Snow Island or Disney Place without his daughter.'

'S'just an excuse to flirt, Lou, you know that. Drive around the city, Zayn panicking, Liam rubbing circles all across his body to calm him down.'

'Fuck. If only he'd get to rubbing those circles with his _tongue_ on Zayn's-'

' _Louis_. Stop. Disturbing mental images.' 

He's locking up the bakery when Louis giggles and honestly, he's so sick of all the fluttering his stomach and heart have been doing lately. 

'I have no clue what to do, though, Haz. It isn't like Niall to just- disappear, especially without letting any of us know. It's pretty scary.'

'I know. It's probably nothing though. Let's try and wait at least ten hours before becoming worry warts, yeah? Worrying and panicking isn't gonna get us anywhere. My shifts over, so I'm gonna head home for a quick shower and change, before driving up to your place. Then we can not-worry together, yeah? Meanwhile, call up the lovebirds in denial and ask for updates. See you in thirty, Lou.' 

He smiles at Louis' chirpy little salutation, before reversing out of his parking spot.  

 

*****

 

Niall squirms under Amy's gaze, avoiding her eyes and scooting further down the bed and wincing at the throbbing ache in his head. He hadn't meant to pour out everything he's been thinking lately about Sally and being in love but Amy had a sort of- comfort about her that lured you in, made you spill all your secrets and sent you on your way. So he'd ended up chatting for a good ten minutes about how he's so worried about having married a _friend_ , rather than a lover. And she'd listened to him. fingers still gently massaging his scalp. He hadn't dared to look right into her eyes, because his declarations weren't exactly something he's proud of. He's feeling quite ashamed and foolish, honestly, and wishes he could go back to being unconscious. Unfortunately, Amy was the kind of person to keep you in bed and prevent you from hitting yourself at the back of your head with something hard and heavy.  

There's a heavy silence, during which Amy seems to be resolutely staring at the area around his eyes, which are fixed on the flimsy, lace curtains. Sally would hate those, he thinks. 

'Niall,' She begins, bringing Niall to reluctantly glance at her. 'You're deluded. Niall, babe, you're creating all this- stress, for yourself, and it's of absolutely no use.'

Niall frowns at her. 

She smiles back, pushing her eyes into squints and showing off two deep dimples. 'One of the reasons I broke up with you, Ni, is because we were like firecrackers. Loud, sparkly, but temporary. I knew one day or another, you and I were going to burn out. Both of us, babe, we need someone calm and lovely, someone who settles the feeling inside of us, not someone who ignites it even more. We ignited it for each other, and it was addictive and exciting, but it's not something I wish for long term. And because I'm like, a million times more introspective than you, and also similar to you in a thousand other ways, I realised that much sooner. You'll figure it out, babe. But Sally's the right one for you. There's nothing wrong with being in love and not having a zoo in your stomach all the time. Josh, like Sally, has only ever made me feel in love and euphoric- but in a peaceful way. Not like you. What I mean is, you and I may have loved each other just as much, but it wasn't the right love for us. What I have with Josh, makes me feel right. Calm. And I think it's the same with you and Sally. You're just an idiot, babe. But you'll figure it out. I hope I helped.' 

And with that, she kisses his forehead, and sashays out of the room,a cheeky, satisfied, but kind smile fixed on her lips. 

 

***** 

'There's absolutely nothing I can think of at this point, all I'm capable of is pan- hold on, I'm getting a call, Haz, I'll call you back in a while, yeah?' He frantically ends the call, hoping and praying to all the gods that he doesn't believe in that it's Niall calling. It's not, he notices, as his fumbling fingers open the missed calls log. It's an unknown number. He really needs to get TrueCaller installed in his phone. 

He's just about to hit call back, before Liam's phone starts playing that tune Zayn introduced him too a while back, just before The Incident. He grins when he realises it's the part Zayn likes best- _what do I do when I get lonely, what do I do, hold on when you get love._

Liam's a blushing mess as he answers the call. Zayn feels like smirking and kissing him full on the lips again. He's so fucking in love with this do-

' _Niall?'_

Zayn's lazy fonding disappears when he hears Liam clutch the steering wheel tight and squeak out their missing best mate's name.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it !! Remember to leave feedback for my motivation :D have a lovely one xx


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